


It's OK

by AsIToldYoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Idk where im going with this, M/M, Mentions of other idols/no mercy trainees, Opening Up, Slow Updates, Transfer student!Kihyun, asthmatic changkyun, changkyun is a swimmer, idk - Freeform, idk how to write pls bear with me, kinda sad, pls gimme tag suggestions i suck at this, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-04-21 11:29:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14283963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsIToldYoo/pseuds/AsIToldYoo
Summary: Changkyun wears a mask. No one has seen him without it on. He’s certain that there is no one who he can say truly knows him. Until Kihyun comes along, and sees right through the wall he’s built up.





	1. New student

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I'm back with another fic because honestly right now I kinda hate life. Uh... once again, based off of my life and feelings and stuff, so characters will be pretty off character. I made Changkyun an asthmatic swimmer (like Shownu in my other fic) because I'm still hella annoyed with my own lungs so... eh idk this is a mess. So enjoy~ 
> 
> This fic is a mess btw, sorry. Idk what I'm doing with it

Changkyun knows that he is privileged, that he’s lucky. Technically he knows that. His parents care about him, he has friends in school, he gets good grades, he has a sports team outside of school, and he normally can get anything he asks for. Not that he ever asks for much anyways. The thing is though, no one really knows him. He’s made sure of that. 

Group projects in school are the most stressful. Changkyun has friends, but not a best friend. He fumbles around for an answer at dinner when his mom asks who’s he’s closest to in school. He stutters out the names of the guys in his friend group. At school, when teachers let them split into groups, its hell. It’s better when its pairs, so he, Hyungwon, Minhyuk, and Jooheon can split up. But if it’s threes, which happens more often, he knows that he’s no one’s first choice, or second for that matter. There’s been too many time where he’s been left on his own, paired with someone he isn’t close with, waving off his friends’ apologetic glances. He’s forgotten soon enough when they get into the project, too deep in their own world to care about Changkyun. It doesn’t matter. Of course it doesn’t. Changkyun doesn’t ever want to see guilt or unhappiness in their eyes, so he puts on a mask. One of bright smiles and energy so Minhyuk and Jooheon can stay the way they are. Hyungwon is quieter, harder to read, but Changkyun knows that his hyung will be happy if he is, so he just continues smiling. 

Training is easier. He doesn’t look like it, but he’s pretty strong, and he’s good at swimming. His lungs, however, make him weak. Having exercise-induced asthma makes it so that he can’t sprint, can’t push himself. He’s always lagging at the back. His teammates are the only ones who see this weakness in him. At school, he’s one of the best swimmers. He’s known for it. He’s grateful that the kids at school will never see him wheezing and coughing just from a relatively easy set. 

His parents have drilled it into his head, that he should never seem weak. “The strong prey on the weak, so even if you are weak, never let people see it”. He knew that his parents were just looking out for him, but the result was that even his parents have never seen him without the wall he built. His friends have probably seen him cry or “break down” more than his parents have. 

Changkyun thought about all these things on his way to school. Things were hard for him lately, his finals were coming up, and on top of that, he had to balance swimming and Art (a terrible subject choice that he regretted every second). His Art exams were earlier than all the other ones and he had to get all his prep boards done, and the pressure was definitely getting to him. 

Trudging into his form room, he flopped down on his seat next to Hyungwon, who was leaning across the aisle chatting with Minhyuk and Jooheon. They barely noticed Changkyun’s presence, but it was fine, he was barely awake anyways. The was a collective groan as their form teacher, most annoying and most hated teacher in the school, walked into the room. Following her in was a boy with silvery grey hair, about Changkyun’s height. His gaze swept across the room before landing on Changkyun, meeting Changkyun’s eyes. “Class, this is Kihyun, he’s a new student, so please be nice to him. Kihyun, introduce yourself.” 

“Hey, I’m Yoo Kihyun, nice to meet you guys, I hope to become friends with you all.”

Changkyun looked around the room. The desks were arranged in three columns, and the columns on the two sides had three desks put together, while students in the middle column sat in pairs. The only spot empty was the seat next to Minhyuk and Jooheon’s desks which were part of a trio, at the very back of the classroom, furthest away from the teacher. 

“So, Kihyun you can sit next to Changkyun, and Hyungwon can move to the desk next to Jooheon.” Hyungwon stood up, moving to his new seat, throwing a wink at Changkyun, “Don’t miss me too much, maknae.” 

“No way, you always doze off in class, and I always have to give you my notes so you don’t fail!” But in truth, Changkyun was already missing his friend, and cursed his luck inwardly. 

“Changkyun! Take care of Kihyun alright? Show him around, be nice. You’re a responsible student, so I’m leaving this to you.”

“Yes miss.”

Changkyun felt a paper ball hit his shoulder, so he picked it up and unfolded it: HEY responsible student, bets on how much Hyungwon will sleep in class now that he sits where the teacher can’t see him?

Changkyun scribbled a reply: is he even awake now, sparing a glance at Hyungwon who already had is head on the desk, snoozing. He tossed the paper ball back, but it got ignored, Minhyuk and Jooheon already too busy taking pictures of Hyungwon sleeping to care. He brushed off the sad feeling inside him, and turned to Kihyun, who had already finished arranging his things for class, and was greeted with a bright smile only a little dimmer than Minhyuk’s, who was like the sun, and he decided that this wouldn’t be that bad after all.


	2. Facades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter because my exams are coming up and I don't know what I'm currently doing in life eek. I don't actually know what I'm doing with this fic, by the way, it's just like a diary of sorts I guess, and I'm just relieving stress. Enjoy~

Training was hard. 2 hours of training at the minimum, and maybe a hundred squats after if they were lucky. Half an hour of extra training either on land on in the water if they weren’t. Changkyun used to love swimming, wouldn’t miss training for the world. But now, he only came for his teammates, and to maintain his physical fitness. No one at school knew just how bad he was at the sport he loved. Every couple hundred meters he would have to stop, coughing and out of breath. His asthma wasn’t that bad, so he ignored the fact that it was exercise induced asthma, and continued training anyways. He wasn’t about to give up after five years of hard work. 

His parents rarely come to watch him anymore, for which he’s grateful. Ever since he stopped having to use his inhaler when he wasn’t doing sports, his parents just assumed that he was all better, as if asthma was something that could just go away like that. Every time he hears his dad say, “It’s okay, you’ll improve, you did basically take a two-year break because of asthma. Train harder and you’ll start improving again.” Like it was that easy. He wants to scream, “I can’t be a swimmer anymore! I can’t! Not when I can barely breathe as soon as I start pushing myself!” Of course he would never say that out loud, or else he would be yelled at, and called a coward. When his parents did watch his training, he sprinted s hard and as fast as he could, going way past what he normally forced himself to do. His entire team knew that if Changkyun was sprinting, it was because his parents were watching. When he had to stop, when his lungs couldn’t take it anymore, he stopped and forced himself to cough as loud as he could as he struggled for breath, so the upper deck could hear him. This way, his parents wouldn’t be able to get mad at him for stopping with “no reason”.

His teammates were the only ones who could see his physical weaknesses. Among his teammates, he was an academic pro. A straight A student, with the occasional B for PE, which didn’t count as a subject. Most of his teammates, while being the best swimmers in their age group, had either been held back a year in school or were struggling to pass their classes. Changkyun was one of the only ones who could still sprint in competitions and maintain a spot in the top eight while being good grades at school. 

But they were the ones who imitated his coughing, calling his a pro at skipping laps whenever he stopped. Their coach was too worried about his health to bother telling him to continue swimming. He laughed the teasing off. He knew that they were just joking, that they meant no harm, but it still hurt nonetheless. Wonho and Shownu were nicer to him, his closest friends on the team, but they could still ignore his presence in training until they got out of the water. 

In school, everything was flipped. He was known for being one of the best swimmers, and was pretty decent at most other sports. People credited his clumsiness and lack of coordination to him being too used to water. His academics were pretty good, but they weren’t top. He knew he was well-rounded, and was okay with that. 

His friends and classmates at school have seen the weaknesses that his teammates had never seen. The “other half” of him, so to speak. He’s cried many times in front of his friends at school over a disappointing grade or just because of stress. This was the side of him that no one outside of school saw. 

He worked hard to build that barrier between his two sides, so no one could see both of them. His parents have, maybe. But they’ve seen so little of each that it didn’t really matter. He hid away from them the most, so they could keep bragging about how great their son was. Only very occasionally would he slip up, and let his parents see the weak child in him that was close to breaking down. 

Changkyun was convinced that the longer he wore his “masks” the more they would just mold themselves onto him, so he would actually be the strong, amazing person most people thought he was. It was only at night, hidden beneath his blanket that he would let the walls down. Most of the time he would just cry himself to sleep over something or other. He hated this, he hated that he stilled cried like a child over something insignificant. But he couldn’t help it. It was his only form of release. At least this way, no one else could witness his fragility.


	3. Friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! My exams are basically over so I can finally add on to this mess... It doesn't make any sense because I can't think clearly after a month and a half od exams, but enjoy~

Classes went back to being normal, the teachers not as strict and the students not as attentive as mid-terms ended. Changkyun had gotten used to having Kihyun sitting next to him, and the two boys were pretty close friends, helping each other go through the hard material, occasionally hanging out. It was to the point where Kihyun was as close to him as Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and Jooheon were…at least. Again, Changkyun found himself splitting up, deciding on what to show his new friend, and what not to. With Kihyun, who was as good as, if not sometimes better than Changkyun at academics, he could express his frustrations about his grades, or ask for help. With the others, he had to be careful. He wanted to maintain the mask that they could approach him for help, that he didn’t need theirs. And he couldn’t complain about his grades with the other three, not when his grades were so much higher, when they were struggling to get As and Bs while he was here annoyed he was a mark off of full marks or something. They would never let him live. 

He enjoyed hanging out with Kihyun. They were similar. Good grades, more on the quiet side, and enjoyed Art, although Kihyun hadn’t been dumb enough to actually choose it as a school subject. There were times that the two of them were with the other three, having fun, and Changkyun let himself bask in the warmth of having fun, of being with his friends. Kihyun was different though, unlike the rest, he didn’t forget about Changkyun or ignore his presence. Not that his other friends were doing it on purpose though. Like Changkyun, Kihyun didn’t seem to have to have any other especially close friends but seemed to like it that way.

It was nice, but Changkyun was scared. He was worried that he would become too attached. He knew how stupid it sounded, that he was scared of being too close with one of his “best friend”s but he couldn’t help it. It was like he was subconsciously preparing for when he though Kihyun would inevitable leave him for other friends. Besides, Kihyun would definitely leave him if he saw just how pathetic and useless Changkyun was. Kihyun was amazing, he could sing beautifully, and he had good grades, was an amazing artist. He was good at everything he did, and he was handsome as well. Everyone loved Kihyun, and he was popular. He wasn’t bullied even though he joined almost halfway through the school year, in addition to everyone knowing each other for a good two-thirds of their lives. Their classmates trusted him and were willing to come to him whenever they needed help with academics. He always helped them with a dazzling smile on his face. He was perfect. Too perfect. Changkyun told himself he could only enjoy this temporary bliss as Kihyun was willing to be his friend. For now. 

Changkyun lost count of how many “friends” maybe even “best friends” he had throughout his life. They all lasted maybe a year before they grew apart. Not that it affected Changkyun that much. He hadn’t been that close to any of them. Besides, he always found new friends. He didn’t like feeling vulnerable, the way he felt whenever he accidentally slipped up and showed his friends the more pathetic side of him. He liked being the one who knew his friends well. He knew whenever one of the trio wasn’t feeling well, or were hiding something. He knew when they weren’t comfortable with whatever conversation was happening and was quick to change the subject for them. And he started getting to know these things about Kihyun. But Kihyun was sharp, observant, and he seemed to be able to read Changkyun better as the days passed. 

“Hey Changkyun? Hello? Earth to Changkyun.” Kihyun waved his hand in front of Changkyun’s face, bringing him back to reality from his daydream. “Are you gonna study tonight for the physics test next week? Or are you gonna procrastinate the entire weekend? You ARE the king of procrastination…” That was another thing Kihyun knew that others didn’t. He got good grades, but he rarely ever tried, purely because he was lazy. And he was probably safe in A boundaries as well as he did some revision. His parents thought he worked hard, holed up in his room every night after coming home from training, but rarely was he ever actually focused on academics. He actually ended up doing anything and everything but study. Kihyun had been trying to get him to be more productive, but that was getting nowhere. Changkyun’s brain seemed to turn off whenever he so much as looked at his notes for more than 10 minutes. 

“Of course I’m gonna study… probably. That text is worth like 5% of our grade, I’m not risking it.” He pouted as he saw Kihyun raise his eyebrow skeptically, but he couldn’t actually say anything. The last time he said he was gonna study, he ended up doing sudoku puzzles for two hours and he didn’t even like sudoku, nor did he even know how to do them prior to that. 

“Say what, we can go over to your place after you have training? We can study together, so you actually study for once. Honestly, I can’t believe you’re a straight-A student like this. I swear even Hyungwon studies more than you do, and he didn’t know half the syllabus the day before midterms….ok I’ll stop,” Kihyun ended, chuckling at Changkyun’s offended glare. 

“Okay okay, we’ll study together tonight. Just so you know, I actually do study!” The younger boy couldn’t stop himself from showing his indignant.

“Yeah…just enough for an A, I know. What a waste of your brains…you should be getting A*s!”

“Okay shut up!”

“See ya!” 

As Changkyun shouldered his training bag, he smiled, happy that he’d be able to spend more time with Kihyun and maybe actually be productive. But he couldn’t shrug off an ominous feeling that settled on his shoulders, and he couldn’t pinpoint the reason it was there.


	4. The snapping of a rubber band

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back! Hi, i'm kind of going through some stuff right now, and I'm using this fic to vent. Sorry for not updating for so long. Enjoy~ Comments and kudos appreciated as always.

Wait…did he even tell Kihyun where and when to meet him after training? Shit. “No..no no no…why am I so stupid!” Changkyun cursed himself under his breath, annoyed that in his joyous state, he had forgotten to tell Kihyun to meet him outside the pool, or somewhere further away. To anyone else, this wasn’t such a major problem, but with Changkyun, it wasn’t the case. Now Kihyun would probably come to the pool to meet him, right as training ended, probably. Changkyun had told him where and when he trained. Changkyun just prayed that this wasn’t that bad of a slip-up, that nothing would happen. Changkyun had never let anyone from his two “lives” cross. When it came to Changkyun, swimming and school life were separate worlds, and they weren’t supposed to cross. That would lead to him being exposed, unable to have another wall, another mask to hide behind, and he dreaded that. The closest anything has gotten to being in both his worlds were his teammates from the school team training at the same pool outside. But they weren’t on the same team outside of school and were pretty much separate. He hadn’t really been close to them anyways. 

Changkyun shoved his current issue to the back of his mind, trying to convince himself that everything would be okay in the end. The thought nudged at him for the entirety of his two-hour training session. The water, for some reason, had also become ice-cold in the pool, which triggered his asthma. All in all, it was turning out to be terrible. Wonho and Shownu seemed to be able to sense that Changkyun was upset over something, so they joked around, trying to lighten Changkyun’s mood, and he was grateful for that. “Oh by the way, did you hear? Seokwon made it to the national team!” 

“Seriously? That’s amazing! He’s such a hard worker, I knew he’d make it someday!” Changkyun was genuinely happy for his friend, who had a hard time adjusting after transferring from overseas a year ago. But that didn’t kill the tiny seed of jealousy being planted in his heart. 

The two hours passed quickly, and suddenly, training had ended, leaving Changkyun to deal with his earlier problem. Where was Kihyun? He rushed his shower and changed as quickly as he could, running out of the changing room a couple minutes after Shownu and Wonho. When he came out, his eye widened as he tried to adjust to the scene that greeted him. Kihyun was there in casual clothes, not their ugly school uniform, chatting with Shownu. Shownu, usually so quiet and expressionless, actually had a small smile on his face. Changkyun rushed over, “Kihyun! You didn’t have to come here, you could have just texted me where to meet you.”

“Oh it’s ok I just got here anyways, I wanted to see the place you spend so much time in. And of course, I have to meet your friends here, just to make sure you didn’t make them up.”

“What? Are you my mom?” Changkyun groaned at his friend. 

“Oh? So you’re the famous Kihyun huh. Changkyun has told us sooo much about you!”

“Wonho hyung! Stop! I didn’t even say much!” Against his will, Changkyun started pouting, the three older boys laughing at him. “C’mon Kihyun, let’s go. We can get some food on the way, I’m starving.”

Outside, walking on the streets, watching the rush hour traffic inch past, the last light of day fading from the sky, Changkyun let himself enjoy the feeling of being with his maybe best friend. It was peaceful, neither of them speaking much on the walk back to Changkyun’s home. It was a pretty long walk, but it was enjoyable, especially as Kihyun had offered to carry one of Changkyun’s bags after watching Changkyun stumble the first few meters on shaky legs after the tiring practice.   
“Hey, Changkyun ah, do you dislike me? Did I do something wrong?”

Changkyun started, spinning around to face his friend,” No! What? How did you even get there? You’re my closest friend!” 

“Okay. I just…it’s just that you seemed really annoyed that I showed up at the pool…”

Changkyun lowered his head. Kihyun was so sharp and knew him so well. Changkyun hadn’t realised that he was so easy to see through. “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just, none of my school friends have ever been to the pool and I feel weird… I don’t know…” 

“Hey it’s ok, I get it.” Kihyun’s smile was warm and gentle, and at that moment, Changkyun thanked the heavens for giving him such an amazing friend.

“Hey Changkyun, let’s go, or we’re never going to get much studying done.”

——————

A week after their study session, Kihyun suggested making it a weekly thing, and Changkyun agreed. He loved spending time with his friend, although he became more and more wary of how clingy he was with Kihyun and how much he relied on the elder boy to cheer him up, or to entertain him. He found himself texting Kihyun randomly out of boredom and asking to Skype so they could do work together. Changkyun saw it as a warning sign, this stage of being close friends couldn’t last long. He knew that. But he couldn’t stop himself, not when Kihyun called him, bright grin lighting up the darkness in Changkyun’s mind. 

He also came more and more frequently to the swimming pool to pick Changkyun up, and Changkyun had to forcibly hide his annoyance whenever he came out of the changing rooms to see Kihyun laughing and chatting with Wonho and Shownu, which whom he had become friends with. But it wasn’t until almost a month later that his control over his mask snapped.

It had been a particularly bad week for Changkyun. He had gotten sick again, and he had bronchitis for maybe the fourth time in twice as many months. He was used to this, his teammates slightly concerned at his increased coughing and asthma attacks, but having seen it too often to actually feel panicked. What he couldn’t deal with, was that this day fell exactly on one of their study session days and Kihyun had apparently decided the show up at the pool earlier than normal, which meant that he was watching Changkyun train. Even though he was maybe a hundred meters away from him, he could feel Kihyun’s concerned gaze on him as he swam. He saw Kihyun move to stand up when he was coughing particularly violently, and then move back to sit down after Changkyun stopped dying. He hoped that Kihyun couldn’t sense his uncomfort and unease at his friend’s presence, but he knew that Kihyun was even smarter than he gave him credit for. Plus, in his sick state, Changkyun really didn’t have the mental strength to hide his feelings, and a dreadful feeling settled in in Changkyun’s mind.

That day, after training, Kihyun was waiting for him outside the changing rooms with Shownu and Wonho, but they weren’t laughing and playing around. instead, the odd-looking trio stood together near the entrance, looking worried and slightly like someone had announced the end of the world. Kihyun heard Changkyun walk out, whirling around to face his best friend. His gloomy expression immediately morphing into equal parts relieved and concerned. “Changkyunnie! Are you ok? Wonho hyung and Shownu hyung told me you got bronchitis, you shouldn’t be swimming, should you? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh my god Kyunnie, take better care of yourself! I was so worried!”

It was then that Changkyun snapped. “Well, no one asked you to be right? I don’t need your concern, or pity for that matter. I’m fine, I can take care of myself. I don’t need a second mother. Why don’t you go home? Or hang out with your other friends? I don’t feel like studying today.” He practically spat out the words and they tasted disgusting on his tongue but he kept going anyway. He couldn’t stop, even though he wanted to, even though he could feel his heart breaking watching Kihyun’s expression grow sad. But the poisonous part of himself that he tried to keep hidden found anger at the concern and hints of pity on Kihyun’s face. He ignored the sting of tears welling up in his eyes and he whirled towards the door, stumbling past Shownu and Wonho staring at him with identical expressions of shock on their faces, and ran out as fast as his exhausted legs would go, in the direction of home.

He missed the expression of pure hurt and sadness that painted Kihyun’s face as he left.


	5. At the edge of a cliff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word vomit for the most part, I blindly wrote some stuff so here you go. Thank you guys so much for the support I'm getting on this <3 I don't deserve you guys.

That night, Changkyun lay on his bed, staring at his ceiling, mind replaying those few moments in slow motion. He watched, in his mind's eye, again and again, all signs of happiness and relief draining from Kihyun’s face, replaced with hurt and bits of regret. And he had been the one to do that to him. Yet as his phone lay next to him, open to his and Kihyun’s private chat, he couldn’t bring himself to type anything, to even begin apologizing for what he had done. 

The next few days, Changkyun refused to talk to anyone more than necessary. His phone buzzed constantly with Kihyun’s worried texts, and Changkyun honestly was surprised that Kihyun was still worried about him after what he did. But he couldn’t bring himself to type anything, in his mind, he filed the entire situation with all his other friendships that had gone well before he fucked up or they grew too close and ran from what Changkyun really was like. He replied with one-word answers or just left the texts on read. It was as if he replied on auto-pilot, distant, but still there, not completely wanting to run away from Kihyun, and his short replies were his cries of help. He knew though, from experience most people wouldn’t see or respond to his silent pleas, and that they left him alone after seeing his weaknesses, his ugly sides leaving him to shove them into a corner of his mind before moving on. 

His sickness took a long time to go away, so he had to skip more training sessions. He explained this to Wonho and Shownu when they had texted him, asking when he would come back. Apparently, Kihyun had gone to the pool to look for him, but Changkyun was too deep into his misery to care much. He knew that him never telling anyone what he was feeling, or what he was going through was coming back to haunt him and that it was his fault. He lost control. He was too weak. He shouldn’t have gotten so close to Kihyun, so it wouldn’t hurt this much when he wasn’t here. He felt the Kihyun-sized hole in his life like a knife in the heart. 

He threw himself into his studies, with final exams coming up, he didn’t have the time to spare worrying about his friends. He still sat next to Kihyun in class, but the two didn’t talk much, and Changkyun went back to sitting with Minhyuk and the others during lunch, sometimes sitting on his own, staring at his notes, pretending to be studying when his mind was focused on a silver-haired boy who always sat only a few tables away. It was almost crazy, the way Changkyun revised, writing and doing enough past papers that his fingers started bleeding where he gripped the pen too tightly. He knew he looked terrible, dark circles under his eyes, hair more often than not messed up, messy physics and math equations scribbled on his arm so he could memorize them while he was swimming or when he couldn’t take out his textbooks. He went back to training, using the grueling practice as a stress-reliever. Most nights he passed out as soon as he let himself lie down on his bed. He had finally managed to recover from bronchitis and whatnot but he never felt truly better. There was always a lingering headache or uncomfortable throat. His parents were worried, probably, but they were too busy encouraging their son’s studying to do much about it. 

It wasn’t until after the exams, during the first two weeks of summer break, did Changkyun let himself relax, and all his efforts, the exhaustion caught up to him. He fell sick. He had been expecting it but was still annoyed when he read off the thermometer, seeing the giant numbers “38.6” jump out at him. He had just gotten back on speaking terms with Kihyun too. The two boys edged carefully around each other, acting more like strangers than best friends. They didn’t talk about the incident at the pool and just made small talk. If anything, it was worse like this than when they weren’t speaking. Changkyun just wanted his friend back. 

But now with a fever, a fresh bout of bronchitis and a terrible cold, Changkyun was stuck at home, during the summer holidays. He was at his worst. He had gone to see a new doctor, who had gotten his allergies mixed up and given him medicines for his bronchitis that he was allergic to. Now, his cold was gone and his bronchitis basically gone, but instead, he had an ugly red rash all over his body. He couldn’t go swimming and was too self-conscious to go outside without wearing pants and a jacket. It didn’t help that he had a competition at the end of the month, but he couldn’t train for it. He felt miserable, but couldn’t show anyone, his parent’s lesson clear in his mind. He wouldn’t show weakness, he’d stay strong in front of everyone else.

He retreated into himself. Barely replying to texts, spending all his time on the internet, refusing to go out apart from going to the doctor for more medicine. He knew that his friends were concerned about him, as Minhyuk’s spam messages on his phone increased by the day, but he didn’t trust himself to not break down in the face of his friends’ concern if he did see them. It got to the point where even his parents were becoming concerned, checking up on him a few times a day, trying to encourage him to leave the house, but Changkyun just ignored the advice. He wanted to stay in his room, wallowing in his misery. He scrolled through pictures that his teammates had posted. They had celebrated Yoonho’s birthday - a boy who had just joined them a couple of weeks ago - and they had taken many group pictures together. Everyone was smiling and seemed so happy and bright, and Changkyun’s mood plunged even further if that was even possible. He felt an ache deep within him, longing for company, especially for a certain silver-haired boy, but he no longer knew how to communicate and reach out past the iron wall he had built up against the world since he yelled at Kihyun. All he could do was to suffer on his own and go back to putting on a mask on when he did have to go out again, feigning indifference, that he was perfectly fine on his own, until someone else was dumb enough to be his friend. He knew that he was a ticking bomb, constantly resetting. And with each reset, the people around him had to change. No one would want to stay with him after watching him self-destruct anyways. He knew, that this was because he was stupid, that he kept caging himself in, forcing his emotions deep within him, acting like they don’t exist. But he didn’t have a choice. He would be too vulnerable if he actually let people know the real him. He wouldn’t have anything to fall back on. It would be the end of him if he left himself completely vulnerable to other people and they eventually got bored and left. 

He didn’t expect to actually find someone who wanted to stick around. 

His phone buzzed again. And again. He finally brought himself to look through his messages after ignoring them for a day and a half. 

Yoo Kihyun [5:37]  
Changkyunnie?

Yoo Kihyun [5:37]  
Cmon changkyun talk to me are you ok literally no one has seen you in forever 

Yoo Kihyun [5:37]  
Hello? I’m still your friend i hope you realise this 

Yoo Kihyun [5:38]  
I see the blue ticks kyunnie cmon reply

Yoo Kihyun [5:40]  
Kyunnie? oh for gods sake please Im genuinely so worried

Yoo Kihyun [5:40]  
:( ok just know that i’ll be here if you decide to talk about it


	6. I don’t have to show you everything I’ve been through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1 of Changkyun's life story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm back! This chapter is ridiculously messy and weird, and it's just me venting. Also, updates are gonna start getting even slower because school sucks. Ok pls forgive me for the weird writing in this one. Also there are like 2 swears. Thanks for all your support <3

Changkyun was miserable, and he didn’t know what to do with himself. All he could do was hope that Minhyuk, Hyungwon, and Jooheon would still be his friends after he got better and after he apologized for ignoring them. But he knew that mere apologies weren’t going to work with the one friend he cared about the most. 

The last thing he expected was to hear someone thumping on his room’s door and 8:30 in the morning, Kihyun’s distinct voice screaming his name, telling him to open the door. He got out of bed groggily, trying to make sense of the situation. Why was Kihyun here? Was he dreaming? Was he so mad he had come to scream at Changkyun? Changkyun stumbled to his door and opened it, and was greeted by Kihyun, as well as Changkyun’s parents behind him. “Changkyun, we’re leaving for work now. Kihyun just came and we let him in, you need the company,” and turning to Kihyun, “make yourself at home, it’s nice to see that Changkyun has friends that care about him so much.” With that, Changkyun’s parents stepped out, and the door clicked shut behind them. Then, he and Kihyun were alone. For the first time in months. 

“Kyunnie…”

“Why are you here hyung?”

Changkyun felt ridiculously self-conscious as he felt Kihyun’s gaze travel across his skin, taking in his vividly red rash, and he wanted to run back into his room and hide under the covers. He tugged down the hems of his shorts, attempting to cover the worst bit of it on his thighs. He stared warily at Kihyun as if anticipating him to run out the door, why wouldn’t he? Changkyun himself was currently disgusted with how he looked. Finally, Kihyun’s eyes moved up to meet his, dark brown irises fixed on his own.

“To make sure that you’re fine you brat. Almost two hundred messages left on read are you serious, you couldn’t even type a short sentence? Kyunnie do you know how much that hurt me? I thought you hated me or something … do you? Did I do anything?” 

Changkyun couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “Hyung are you crazy? There’s no way you could do anything to make me hate you. Besides. you did nothing, I was being a stupid asshole. Hyung you’re an angel and perfect. I don’t deserve you.” Changkyun was kicking himself mentally. This angel was in front of him, asking to be his friend again, and yet here Changkyun was, pushing him away instead of clinging onto him like he wanted to. 

“This isn’t about what you deserve, though I think you deserve the world. This is about what I want, and I want to be with you Kyunnie. Not talking to you hurt so bad you have no idea.”

“Actually, I think I know.”

“Then? Why did you ignore me and all of your other friends for at least two months? Why are you shutting yourself away? Changkyun? Wonho and Shwonu hyung thought that it might have something to do with what you went through in the past with swimming or something, but they wouldn’t tell me. Changkyun-ah, c’mon you can trust me. You can open up to me.” Before Changkyun even had the chance to speak, Kihyun was talking again, “Don’t give me the ‘i do trust you’ bullshit or ‘i did open up’. Do you think I’m blind? I can see that you’re hiding stuff that you don’t want to talk about. I can see that you’ve kept this stuff inside for too long. I understand why you blew up that time when you were at training, that self-destruction. Kyunnie, stop bottling your feelings up. Please. I don’t care you can tell me your whole life story if you want. I’ll be here for you.” With that, the silver-haired boy shut his mouth, gazing expectantly at the boy standing opposite them.

Changkyun walked back into his room, motioning for Kihyun to follow him. He refused to have this entire conversation standing out in the hallway. He sprawled out, face down, on his bed, feeling it dip down when Kihyun sat down. “I don’t even know where to start…” Changkyun mumbled into his pillow. “From the beginning would be a good idea.”

“I…I’m not used to sharing my feelings and stuff because I don’t really have a great relationship with parents. They don’t know most things about me. It’s probably from when they used to scold or lecture me over the smallest things. Don’t worry hyung, don’t look at me like that. They’re not bad people, they aren’t that strict now because I took all of their earlier lessons seriously, but also because that I don’t let myself tell them things. I only say the stuff I absolutely have to or the stuff that will make them happy. They really are decent people, they just forget sometimes that I’m a person, not a doll to carry out their will and help them live the life they never had. 

They also tend to unintentionally put a shit ton of stress on me. They like comparing me to the top few in the grade, like Namjoon, Aron, you know…the best students. I’ve been permanently in the top 10 my entire life in this school, but I’ve never beaten themes my parents always go ‘we should see where you’re lacking compared to them’ or that I should learn from them more or something. I don’t know. I just feel so stressed out lately, and it's getting easier for something to trigger me. I’ve never had that many close friends either…I think it might be because of the fact that I’m antisocial or that I never open up. I just self-destruct, or just scare them off or something. You’re the first one who…”

Kihyun grabbed Changkyun’s hand, thumb rubbing small circles on the back of Changkyun’s hand, calming him down. Changkyun had the look of a cornered animal, terrified and looking like he was about to make a run for it. After a few minutes of silence, he calmed down enough to keep talking. 

“You’re the only one who’s wanted to stay being friends with me after I blew up for basically no reason. I never really had any close friends, actually. I have a friendship group, but each one of my friends have someone they call a best friend. Jooheon and Gunhee, Minhyuk and Hyungwon, Wonho and Shownu, and Jooheon, Minhyuk and Hyungwon are inseparable because Gunhee goes to a different school. I’m the odd one out. They’re probably just friends with me out of pity or familiarity. I mean I have known them, although not really closely, since we were six. But its just superficial. I hang out with them so I’m not alone. They’re funny, and they help me get rid of my stress sometimes. Even though I did have a best friend, years ago, he left a few years back and we basically lost contact. It didn’t take me long to just find another group of friends, and repeat the cycle. I’m a terrible person, how are you not running away right now?” 

“You’re not a terrible person, Kyunnie, you just have a hard time opening up. If I were to take a guess, it’s to make it seem to everyone else that you’re strong and that you don’t need anyone and you’re perfectly fine on your own. It protects you from the outside world. If people don’t know you well, they will never be able to actually hurt you. Am I right?”

“Yeah… wow hyung, you’re amazing. Scary, but amazing. Yeah, my parents drilled it into my brain as a kid that I can’t seem weak, and that image is everything. So now, no one knows every aspect. You probably know the most actually. At school, they know me as a good student, sometimes a teacher’s pet, good at swimming. They think I work hard but I mostly slack off when I can. They don’t know that while I do procrastinate, I do work as hard as I can. They don’t know that I did mock papers till my fingers were bleeding where I gripped the pen. They don’t know that I always cram the day before and that I have so much pressure on me to do well. In my team outside of school though, they think I’m amazing at studies and that I’m not that great of a swimmer and they know how badly my asthma and shitty lungs affect me. I made sure no one would know both so they wouldn’t hold that power over me. That’s why I kind of freaked out those first few times you showed up at the pool. I didn’t want you to see me like that. It’s so much easier to put up a fake image at school because your academics is something you can work on. If you screw up, excuses are pretty easy to find when no one really knows that you worked hard on it. If you say you didn’t study, who is to prove you wrong? As long as you don’t consistently get bad grades, it’s fine. But in swimming, you can’t hide your physical ability. I can’t hide the fact that because I skip training all the time or school activities, I’m significantly worse than everyone else. I can’t hide my asthma, or my slow speed even when I am trying. I can’t hide that I’m one of the older ones on this team and I’ve been for years and yet I’m still near the back of the lane. 

I don’t know anymore. Hyung, I’m so confused. I don’t even know what I think anymore. It’s like I put on a mask for so long, it’s becoming me. Hyung…”

By this point, Changkyun is sniffling softly into his pillow, refusing to turn around to look at the boy next to him. He hid under his blanket, still self-conscious about his rashes despite his weak mental state. “Kyunnie, cmon, look at me.” Slowly, Changkyun turned around, eyes wide and shining with tears, completely innocent and vulnerable. He met Kihyun’s gaze and he could feel the warmth in the other boy’s eyes. “Why don’t you tell me everything about yourself? Both sides of you, or even more. It’ll make you feel better. And I’ll never hold it against you. I just want to truly be your friend. Your best friend. I care about you, and I want to help you. Ok, Kyunnie?” 

“Okay.”


	7. Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short and simple ending to this fic that I've dragged out long enough. I didn't really know if I wanted to keep writing it, so I decided to just write a short and kind of sweet ending. :D

“There’s a reason I never let anyone know all sides of me. I’m too scared. I’m basically a different person when I’m at swimming, compared to at school, or even at home. At school all of you think I’m some swimming god and I have pretty good grades, so maintaining that facade takes so much out of me, you know? The stress to maintain my grades, those offhanded remarks I get when I screw up a test and people go ‘oh my god I beat Changkyun, what a miracle’, stuff like that I know it means nothing, but I… so yeah. But at swimming it's completely different, I’m like the smartest person there, but I suck at swimming compared to everyone else. There, they’ve seen me at my physical worse, at school, you guys have seen me stressed, but nothing all that important. I don’t want anyone seeing both weaknesses in me. At home in front of my parents, I try to hide both at the same time so I don’t get scolded and so they don’t worry about me, but it’s hard hyung… I just keep it to myself and stay in my room. I never wanted my friends to become all that close because eventually I would drift apart from them one way or another and I’d just be left hurt. It’s not worth it.”

A fresh bout of tears streamed down Changkyuns cheeks. Somehow he had found himself sitting next to Kihyun, covered by his blankets, his head resting on the other boy’s shoulder. “It’s ok Kyunnie. It really is. You have me. I know you feel like Minhyuk, Hyungwon and Jooheon are distant from you, but they really do care. Honestly. We’d never want you to stop being our friend. Especially me…those few months we didn’t talk…it felt like a part of me was missing. Please never do that again Kyunnie. Never. Promise me. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what okay?” 

“I’m trying hyung, I am. But I’m still so scared. If I let everyone closer both of my worlds will merge even more and I won’t be able to hide anymore. The security that comes with the different masks, the different facades, I need it. I don’t know how to live without it anymore. I don’t even know what part of me is real and what part I made up and acted the part long enough for it to mold into me. Do I really love swimming that much? Or do I believe it because I’ve said it to people so many times? Am I really a maths and sciences student when I find joy in writing, but I tell everyone around me I hate languages because of what my parents told me to pursue? I don’t know anymore hyung I really don’t. I’m just lost.”

“I know it’s hard. I know, Kyunnie. Letting your various worlds blend together, to face the one single reality without a safety barrier, it’s terrifying. But you can’t just keep living in one world and constantly talking about the other like you are now. When you’re with school friends, you talk about swimming so much. And when you’re at training, I know you talk about school just as much. You can’t keep these separate Changkyun, they’re part of you, they’re part of the world you live in. They helped shape who you are now. Even if you don’t realise it, if you don’t know who you are. That’s fine. We’ll figure it out. It’s okay.” 

Changkyun buried his face into Kihyun’s shirt, closing his eyes, head spinning, filled with a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. 

He felt Kihyun’s lips brush against his forehead, “It’s okay.” 

And Changkyun believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the support I've received on this. I didn't expect his many kudos and nice comments on just me venting about life, I love every single one of you. To people who've said that they're going through hard times, or have been dealing with problems like Changkyun in the fic, be strong! <3 You guys are amazing.


End file.
